by Prawker El Punko For "Thought
Is A Crime" Web-Zine
WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUZZ 58?
MR. BALL DANGLES: Christian Cooke, I play with myself and during the
madness I occasionally hit a drum.
HYDRO: Christian Hansen aka Big Daddy Hydro I play guitar...so much
DITCH PIG: Chris Richards aka Ditch Pig. I pound with the chove axe,
YOLES: Ulysse deSpot aka Yolemiatzapizza. Me? I summon up the stormy
seas with my chops. (guitar?)
MIKE DURACEL (coppertop): Mike Urcell aka Stumps. Im the wild monkey
that the fuzz has tamed. (vocals)
I CAN TELL THIS IS GOING TO BE AN INTERESTING INTERVIEW. WHAT KIND
OF MUSIC DO FUZZ 58 PLAY?
MIKE: Well I guess its a cross between slamming slaughter funk.
DITCH: And new school death country.
HYDRO: I dont know...I always thought we were reminiscent of the Almond
YOLES: Definitely Honky-tonk hardcore.
…HOW DID YOU GUYS FORM?
MIKE: I don't know?
YOLES: It's too hard. It's sorta like a movie with a plot that has a
really hard plot.
DITCH: I thought it was next weekend.
HYDRO: What the hell are you talking about?? (all laugh)
NO MORE SMART-ASS ANSWERS…(joke) HOW DID YOU GET YOUR NAME?
HYDRO: It has to do with our conasourship of pornography! Not that we
advocate that sort of thing, but we're only men with wangs...raging
DITCH: Channel 58 in white rock was the porno channel, except it was
scrambled. In other words it was fuzzy. But we faithfully watched night
after night to catch a second glimpse of nudity. The sound worked too.
Therefore Fuzzy58 or in short Fuzz58.
WHAT LABEL ARE YOU PORN ADDICTS ON?
ALL> Spawner Records.
DITCH: So much fucking Spawner.
HOW'D YOU HOOK UP WITH THEM?
HYDRO: Through Kyle the great guy, he owns Spawner.
MIKE: Five of us and one of him, he didnt really have a choice.
HOW MANY ALBUMS HAVE YOU RELEASED AND WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?
MIKE: We put out a Francophobes/Fuzz58 split called "Together at last"
when we toured with them last summer. We're also on a spawner comp
called "Flaming Cow Disease".
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO PLAY A SHOW?
HYDRO: Fleetwood community centre, that place slays.
DITCH: Its gotta be Vatican City, the Pope's all male five year old
MIKE: Wash and Slosh laundro-bar, cause when you stink on tour, you can
wash your duds, have a brewski and play a show.
YOLES: Our very own stinky-ass practice space. Theres no place like
home. You can spit on the walls.
HOW HAS PUNK MUSIC OR THE LIFESTYLE CHANGED YOUR LIFE?
BALL: I feel my inner beast becoming quenched when the power that emits
from the fire of pummeling punk rock. Its made us better people.
MIKE: Made me a better person too.
ARE ANY OF YOU GUYS STRAIGHT EDGE OR VEGANS?
DITCH: One of us is Flemish.
YOLES: I'm not Flemish! I'm Walonese.
DITCH: Belgian waffle, whatever.
HYDRO: I use to be straight edge. Then I had a drink and it's been
trouble and women ever since, no diseases yet though.
EVEN THOUGH YOU AREN'T STRAIGHT EDGE OR VEGANS WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
PEOPLE WHO SUPPORT THOSE LIFESTYLES?
BALL: Do what you want, but me, I need more than drinking water and
eating ice to get me through the day. Give me a steak marinated in
wheat germ, horse turds and vodka.
DITCH: The eighth circle of hell is reserved for vegans, where demons
with mowhawks stab at them with flaming farmers sausages for all
MIKE: I think it starts out as a good idea with good intentions but
people forget about why they're doing it, it turns into a dogma. It
loses its cool.
HYDRO: Yeah, straightedge intent is healthy but they've become the
of the nineties. Oh ya...I love chicken, Yoles what do you think.
YOLES: What's that? I can't hear you over the sizzling of my steak.
YOU JUST SPLATTERED ME IN THE EYE WITH THE JUICES!! GET THAT OUTTA
HERE IM TRYING TO DO AN INTERVIEW… (steak is escorted from interview
room by security guard). WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PLAYING A
CANADIAN SHOW AND AN AMERICAN SHOW?
MIKE: We don't play in the U.S. cause we're afraid we'll get shot.
DITCH: We do venture southwards for porkrinds though.
HYDRO: And mass gats!
DO YOUR MOMS LOVE YOU?
HYDRO: Oh...too much. Shes just a super lady. I love her, she loves
DITCH: I was grown in a tube. (serious voice)
YOLES: Where do you think all my gear comes from?
BALL: I'm a mamma's boy. She beats me, but i feel the love with every
WHAT DO FUZZ 58 STAND FOR… LIKE IDEALOGIES AND WAYS YOU GUYS HELP
HYDRO: Yeah, I help out other punks. I call them on most of their
disillusional extremist ideaologies. I have some of my own.
MIKE: I help punks. This one time in Calgary, this kid with a huge
mowhawk had a beer bottle explode in his hand and he was trying to stop
the bleeding with a sweat sock. So after we played I took him to the
van.... and cleaned his wounds with my supply of peroxide.
YOLES: Fuzz58 stands for the poor horny bastards who have spent lonely
sleepless nights trying to make out a breast on a scrambled porno
THAT IS THE EXACT DESCRIPTION OF MY FRIEND (Jason Wilson). STAYS UP EVERY
SATURDAY NIGHT TO WATCH THE SQUIGGLY LINES ON PAY-PER-VIEW CHANNELS… AT
LEAST HE'LL FEEL BETTER KNOWING THAT SOME ONE STANDS UP FOR HIM… OTHER
THAN HIS SCHLONG WHEN HE'S WATCHING A PORNO. (all laugh)
BALL: Amen to that my brother. Dirk Diggler would be proud.
HYDRO: Yes, that is amusing to me, ha ha ha.
WHAT ARE SOME COOL BANDS YOU HAVE MET?
YOLES: Potato Men...(all laugh)
MIKE: No really, Larry Livermore is a cool guy.
DITCH: Yeah (makes cock sucking motion)
HYDRO: The mighty Francophobes
BALLDANGLES: Me and Ditchpig met the guys from Goldfinger. John
was a cool guy.
DITCH: And the Vandals.
HYDRO: Fitsgerald has a sweet ass.
WHAT BANDS DO YOU LISTEN TO?
DITCH: Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, Metallica and Tchicovsky.
HYDRO: I like it all. Screeching Weasel, Retreads, Bob Marley, Neil
BALL: StraightFaced, Trigger Happy, Celena the Spanish Sensation, AFI,
the Moffats, Against All Authority, Limp Biskit, of course NOFX! I also
enjoy Wu Tang when cruisin in my pimped out cutlass supreme.
DID I CATCH A MOFFATS IN THERE? (all laugh)
YOLES: Vladamir Vissotsky, the drunk russian folk miester.
MIKE: Screeching Weasel, the Ramones. I don't believe in insanely long
DITCH: Holy bitter man in the corner.
WHAT ZINES DO YOU READ?
HYDRO: I like reading zines but most are ridiculous. Heart attack is
DITCH: "Hot rod and gun"
BALL: I like Flipside and Wood
DITCH: Don't you like Modern Drummer?
BALL: Hell yeah!
SO… WHAT ARE THE FUTURE PLANS FOR FUZZ 58.
DITCH: World domination.
HYDRO: A cartel of insanity that stretches from Vancouver to the edge
YOLES: To have a unified unit forever and ever. To remain friends to
HYDRO: Yeah aren't we crazy, you know what would be cool? If they made
chocolate flavoured aspirin.
MIKE: To preform a full frontal flip on stage without using a
BALL: Hopefully play show soon, but until then my life will consist of
eating nachos and watching ultimate fighting championships and midget
porn. Eventually well have ken shamrock as our manager.
ANY UPCOMING RELEASES TO LOOK FORWARD TO?
DITCH: My raging wang, bursting forth from my custom fit jeans.
MIKE: A new CD split from Spawner. Tim Francophobes, High Test, the
Livids and us.
YOLES: I'm working on a new samba album..
WHEN WILL IT BE RELEASED?
DITCH: What? My wang. Cause its ready to go right now!
I'VE GOTTA ASK THIS QUESTION, CAN YOU HOOK US UP WITH FREE SHIT?
BALL: Free shit? I've got plenty. Just send a self addressed and
stamped ziplock bag. Allow 6-8 weeks for delivery.
MIKE: Keep on checkin our website at www.angelfire.com/bc/fuzz58
HYDRO: Even if it's naked pictures of children.
WHERE WILL THE NEXT FUZZ 58 TOUR TAKE PLACE?
MIKE: Maybe Montreal and back.
HYDRO: Maybe California, who knows?
WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK OF THOUGHT IS A CRIME WEBZINE?
HYDRO: It's damn sweet.
DITCH: I found my horoscope, that's always good.
MIKE: Yeah it's always cool.
ANY LAST THOUGHTS OR QUOTES TO BESTOW ON THE READERS?
BALL: Do-wak-a-do what you feel like, but when you go to punk shows
don't stand there with your friends dick up your ass, you paid money
if the band sees you are into it they'll play better and a good time
will be had by all.
DITCH: Sodomy is always the best policy.
YOLES: I'm not Flemish!!
MIKE: Listen to John Lennon's imagine and you will understand all.
HYDRO: I'm thirsty.
2550 124b St.
Surrey, BC V4A 3N7
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